Thread:Omnia Lesvos/@comment-26164274-20171023053710

''noun. (Britain, informal, chiefly politics)'' A situation that is bad or mismanaged in every way.

That's my status online and offline right now. Omnishambles. I've been looking for the words to express myself for the past two years. Still haven't found them. That's okay! people chirp. How the actual fuck do you even chirp something that makes absolutely no sense ''You're young! You'll find them!'' I find that bullshit, but OK. Assuming I find them, who's going to listen?

Yeah. Who's going to give me a second of their precious time? Who's going to waste a glance in my direction? If the past three years have told me anything, the answer is maybe a couple who care but can't be around. And that's OK on their part! Thank you for actually giving a moment's fuck about me! Thank you for listening! Thank you.

...But you can't be like before, you can't stick around late up until 2AM in the morning talking with me, you can't blaze forth with headcanons of everlasting dirtiness 24/7, you can't have free time for yourself, you don't respond quickly, you get tired too. Therefore, I have no more reason to continue. It was a long run. It hurt a lot, in fact it's still hurting, but that's OK. Because even if the people who cared weren't there every step of the way, they tried and that's what fucking matters to me most: that people tried to be with me. That, for some godawful reason, they found trying worth it. That they actually gave caring a shot, and it was a damn helluva shot.

And now I'm at that part of my life where I'm hitting this roadblock that has "GOODBYE AVE." painted on it in big, blocky letters. It took this long for me to look the fuck up and open my eyes to how it really is. I am surrounded by strangers, wisps who I'll forget soon, and I am alone. Not because people have left me to fend for myself, or forsaken me, or decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore. I'm alone because if I can't be good enough for myself, how can I be good enough for other people? Wallowing in self-hatred has done nothing for me. Wallowing rarely ever does. I'm going through my shuffled playlist and Don't Wanna Cry just came up. Thanks, playlist.

I had ideas on what I was going to type for this but they dissolved. And I'm OK with that for once, strangely enough. Why? Because they would be wasted on people who don't listen. I - yes, I'm starting with loads of I's now, because for once it is about me - read something the other week. It said something on give a damn, give all the damns until you can't. I've hit that. I've cared too fucking much and I've run out. Now maybe I'll get some of my focus back on me me me instead of them them them.

Paalam. You were never my home and you never will be with your hard-pressed attitude on shoving everyone into shitty little cliques. God, I remember when I was like that and that's how I originally got into KPOP. The good part though? I found people who cared. And I'll do it again if I have to because if you can't find someone who cares, be them.

"It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt."  